We need to leave. Shoes are on, the bag is ready, and my child refuses to get into the car. As far as he is concerned, the car has suddenly ceased to exist.

My first instinct is rarely very sophisticated. But sometimes, the more I repeat myself, the less he moves.

When a child refuses to get into the car

Instead of debating whether we have to leave, I let him choose one small detail:

My first instinct“Come on, get in the car. We have to go!”
I try instead“Do you want to take your dinosaur or your little car?”

Or:

Another small choice“Shall we get there with giant steps or by jumping?”

I am not asking whether we are going to the car.

We are.

But he gets some say in how.

And surprisingly, that can completely change the mood.

Why I like this trick

When I think about it, children spend a large part of their day hearing:

“Put your shoes on.”
“Come here.”
“Put your coat on.”
“Hurry up.”

Even when every request is perfectly reasonable, that is a lot of decisions made by somebody else.

So, when possible, I try to leave a little room:

“Do you want to put your coat on yourself or shall I help?”

“Do you want to get in from this side or the other side?”

“Teddy or dinosaur for the car?”

Not fifteen possibilities. Just two options I am genuinely happy to accept.

And I avoid:

Avoid this if “no” is not really an option“Do you want to get in the car?”

Because at three years old, saying “no” is a pretty logical answer.

The little bug to debug

When I feel a power struggle beginning, I try to ask myself:

The little bug to debugWhat is non-negotiable, and where can I leave a little freedom?

It does not work every time.

Sometimes he still refuses, and sometimes I end up saying “come on, we’re going” with much less creativity than planned.

But when it works, we get to exactly the same place with much less conflict.

For me, that makes it worth trying.