Malo, almost three, asked for a biscuit while Camille, his mum, was making dinner.

Camille was about to say no. Then she imagined what would follow: Malo protesting, her explaining, him perhaps lying down on the floor, the pasta boiling over while she tried to stay calm.

So she said, “All right.”

Malo took the biscuit and went off to play. He hadn’t protested. He hadn’t even had time.

Camille had just given in to a tantrum that had never happened.

When we negotiate with conflict in advance

Some days, choosing the easy option makes perfect sense. Not every biscuit before dinner calls for a parenting reflection.

But Camille began to notice a pattern.

She said yes to another video because she dreaded turning it off. She changed their plans because she was already imagining him refusing to put his shoes on. She offered three alternatives before Malo had even reacted to the first.

She thought she was being flexible.

In fact, she was mostly trying to avoid a very uncomfortable feeling: her child being unhappy with a decision she had made.

The problem wasn’t that Malo sometimes got what he wanted. It was that Camille could no longer always tell whether she had changed her mind because it felt right or because she feared his reaction.

Letting a child dislike the answer

The next day, Malo asked for a biscuit before dinner again.

Camille replied, “Not now. You can have one afterwards.”

He said, “But I want one!”

She replied, “Yes, you do.”

And then nothing dramatic happened.

Malo grumbled, asked once more and went back to his toy cars.

Camille felt almost put out by how easily it had gone. She had mentally prepared for a storm. There had been three drops of rain.

Of course, another time, the storm might really come.

But she is now trying not to set it off in her head before Malo does.

She can change her mind. She can choose peace. She can also hold a boundary.

The small difference she is looking for is knowing what is deciding: the actual situation or the tantrum she is already imagining.

Malo is allowed to dislike her answer. And Camille can survive his displeasure, even while the pasta is cooking.