Malo, Camille’s almost-three-year-old son, was on his way to the park when he started running as they approached a pedestrian crossing.
Camille caught up with him before the edge of the pavement and reminded him that here, she needed him to stay close.
Malo nodded very seriously.
Five minutes later, a rubbish truck drove down the street. Malo tugged at her hand so he could run and watch it.
Camille had an immediate thought: but he had just promised me. Why didn’t her child keep his promises when he seemed so sincere?
What if he was sincere after all?
Making a promise is not the same as knowing how to stop
A promise looks ahead to the future. To keep it, Malo has to remember what he said, recognise that the same rule still applies a few minutes later, and manage to slow himself down just when something exciting appears.
At almost three, it is easy to forget that gap because he can already say “I promise” with great seriousness.
The problem is not necessarily that he does not value his word. When Malo made his promise, he may genuinely have wanted to do exactly what he was asked. A few minutes later, the urge to run may simply have been stronger than his ability to act on that intention.
And the broader the promise, such as “I’ll never do it again”, the more it asks a child to manage something alone that they may still be learning.
Repeating “but you promised me” can shift the problem. It is no longer only about what he just did, but about supposedly breaking his word. When perhaps he mostly needs help to manage it differently next time.
Sometimes a boundary is more useful than a promise
So Camille tried not to ask Malo to guarantee his future behaviour. Near the road, safety would not depend on his ability to remember a promise.
She could set the boundary herself, then give him more freedom where possible.
“I’m not asking you to promise. Near the road, I’m holding your hand.”
“You stay with me on the pavement. When we get to the park, you can run.”
That does not mean children cannot gradually learn what an agreement is. We can give them small, concrete agreements over a short time, then notice when they manage them. But a promise cannot yet replace the support they need.
The next time they reached the same crossing, Camille did not ask, “Do you promise?”
She simply held out her hand.
