Iris, Nora’s three-and-a-half-year-old daughter, had refused to take off her shoes, choose her pyjamas or come to the bathroom. Then she had thrown a shoe against the door.

Nora began a sentence that promised a consequence. If Iris carried on, there would be no…

She was still looking for something to take away when her daughter rubbed her eyes. Her jumper was crooked, one sock had slipped down her heel and now she was crying because the other shoe would not come off.

Nora saw a child resisting everything that evening. She also saw a child struggling to finish a simple action.

Refusal does not tell the whole story

It had been a long day. Iris had played outside, walked home and almost dozed off before dinner. Nora knew these details, but they had disappeared behind the “no”s.

In her mind, the problem was becoming: how do I teach her not to speak like that? She was looking for a response that would have an effect tomorrow. Iris seemed mainly to be struggling to get through the next ten minutes.

Tiredness did not necessarily explain everything. Iris might also not want to leave her game or might hate those pyjamas. But Nora had enough clues to consider what her daughter was still capable of before adding a threat.

That did not change the rule about the shoe. It changed how she could help her reach bed.

Keep the limit, make the next steps easier

Nora put the shoe out of reach and crouched down. She did not ask Iris to explain why she had thrown it. She said she would not let her throw shoes, then offered to help remove the other one.

At first, Iris pushed her hand away. Nora waited a moment and explained what she would do before helping. The shoe finally came off. The crying continued, but they no longer had four instructions to deal with at once.

Nora chose some pyjamas instead of offering two pairs. She could keep the necessary tasks, such as brushing teeth, and leave tidying until tomorrow. As with a difficult transition before bath time, adding requests did not always help them move forward.

“I won’t let you throw the shoes. I’m putting them here.”

“Tonight, I’ll help you. We’ll do one thing at a time.”

Later, they could talk about the shoe and find a way to ask for a break. For now, Nora did not need a full explanation before helping.

Iris protested when the sleeve caught on her wrist. Nora freed it without starting the discussion again.

Once her pyjamas were on, Iris leaned against her. Nora carried her to the bathroom without reminding her of the list of things she had refused.