Oscar, four and a half, had a task he took very seriously: laying the cutlery on the table. Julien, his dad, had entrusted him with the teaspoons and napkins.
Alice, his two-year-old little sister, wanted the blue cup. It was in the dishwasher. Julien offered the red one and Alice started crying.
Oscar tried. Alice cried harder. So he put down his spoons and started looking for the cup in the cupboards, becoming increasingly worried.
Julien realised that he had just given him a second task, one far less suited to a four-and-a-half-year-old.
Helping at home is not managing other people
Setting the table allowed Oscar to take part in something concrete. He knew how many people would be eating, where to put the napkins and how to check that he had not forgotten anyone.
Calming his sister, on the other hand, was not a task with a beginning and an end. Alice could keep crying even if he did everything “correctly”. Oscar had neither the power to resolve her disappointment nor the responsibility to do so.
Julien took over: “Thank you for trying, but looking after Alice is my job. You can finish the cutlery if you feel like it.”
Oscar went back to the table. Alice eventually accepted a glass of water, without anyone winning a negotiation.
A responsibility that fits
In a family, children can take part in meals, put away their games, carry a small bag or help choose fruit. They can even spontaneously offer to comfort a brother or sister.
The difference appears when the adult expects them to succeed in managing emotions, conflicts or the organisation of the entire household.
A big brother does not have to be his sister’s little parent. A child who speaks well does not have to act as a go-between in adults’ arguments. Their wish to help is precious, but it does not turn grown-up problems into a child’s duties.
Julien wondered how often he had said “you’re the older one” when asking Oscar to give in, wait or understand more quickly. He did not want to stop trusting him. He simply wanted to distinguish a contribution from a burden.
Keeping the pleasure of taking part
At dinner, Oscar proudly announced that he had put out four napkins. They needed three.
Julien looked at the fourth, placed in front of the dog’s chair, and smiled.
This time, Oscar could be responsible for his napkins, even if his calculation was debatable.
Alice’s emotions, meanwhile, remained the adults’ business.
