Oscar, my four-and-a-half-year-old son, knew perfectly well how to climb the stairs on his own.

That did not stop him at the foot of the stairs on the evening I was carrying Alice, his two-year-old little sister.

“Carry me.”

I looked at Alice in my arms. Then at Oscar.

“You can climb by yourself.”

He did not move.

“But you’re carrying her.”

I was about to explain that Alice was smaller, that he was heavy and that I had, a fairly important detail, only two arms.

Then I thought of all the other times Oscar suddenly needed help. He wanted to sit on my lap when Alice was already there. He asked me to help with his shoes just as I was fastening his sister’s.

Perhaps the problem was not that he could no longer do those things himself.

He particularly wanted them when Alice already had them.

When jealousy takes the form of an impossible request

Jealousy between siblings does not always sound like “I don’t like my sister.” It can show up as a series of little requests that invariably arrive at the worst time.

My instinct was to answer with facts.

“I carried you yesterday.”

“I spent all morning with you.”

“Alice is smaller.”

All of it was true. But Oscar did not seem to be keeping a spreadsheet of parental attention. Proving that the distribution was fair did not really answer what he was trying to find out.

That did not mean I had to carry him whenever Alice was in my arms, either.

Acknowledge jealousy without making everything possible

I could not go up the stairs with both children in my arms. The limit did not have to disappear for me to recognise his disappointment.

I could simply say:

“You wish I could carry you too. My arms are full right now. Would you like to walk up beside me?”

“I'm looking after Alice now. Afterwards, I'll come and sit with you for a little while.”

The idea was not to make up for every minute spent with his sister or promise perfect equality. It was to avoid answering every request for closeness with “You’re a big boy now.”

That evening, Oscar eventually climbed the stairs holding on to my jumper.

Once Alice was in bed, I sat down on the sofa. He came and nestled against me without asking for anything.

We stayed like that for a few minutes.

He had not got my arms when he asked for them. But he had not had to earn his place, either.