Louise, my five-year-old daughter, was doing a puzzle while I picked up pieces from under the table. She held a piece with an ear on it and narrated her work.
I had spotted the right place. When my daughter talked to herself over the puzzle, I mostly heard a difficulty I could answer. My hand was already moving towards the edge of the box.
Yet Louise had not looked up at me. She was turning her piece and continuing her conversation.
Talking to yourself can help you do things
A young child does not speak only to communicate information to somebody. They can also use words to organise what they are trying: name a colour, remember a step, announce an attempt and then correct it.
This language accompanying action need not sound perfectly logical to an adult. Sentences can remain unfinished, return to the same place or abruptly change direction. Sometimes they follow work of which we see only the movements.
I had heard “no” and translated it as “help me”. Louise might simply have been comparing two possibilities. Giving the answer at her first comment could interrupt a search already under way.
That did not make my help unwelcome forever. It changed the signal I could rely on: speaking was not necessarily an invitation to intervene.
Be available without answering every sentence
I put the pieces I had picked up within Louise’s reach. I could listen without turning the puzzle into an interview: why did you choose that one, what are you going to do now, explain your reasoning?
A child does not need to present their method to be allowed to explore. The adult can stay present and notice whether play is progressing, frustration is rising or a request is actually addressed to them.
When unsure, a short question is enough:
“Are you asking me for help or thinking aloud?”
“If you want a hand, I’m right here.”
If they ask for help, we can offer a small clue or work together. The aim is not to prolong being stuck to prove independence. And another child’s silence does not mean they think less well: not everyone uses words in the same way.
Louise eventually placed the piece at the other end of the puzzle. Then she announced that she needed to find the tummy. I passed her a yellow piece without explaining where to put it.
Keep this handy
The situation
Your child comments on a task and you are tempted to respond to every word.
Try this
Notice who the words are addressed to. Let their thinking unfold and remain available for a genuine request without demanding an explanation of every step.
- “I’m listening while you work it out. You can call me if you want us to look together.”
Keep in mind: A request for help or distress calls for a response. Talking to oneself is neither a test to pass nor a requirement for thinking.
