She was shouting in the shop. I was mostly watching the other customers.

Louise, my five-year-old daughter, had put a box of felt-tip pens in our basket. When I returned it to the shelf, she shouted that she wanted those ones, then started crying in the middle of the aisle.

A woman turned her head. I immediately raised my voice too, explaining that we already had felt-tip pens at home. Apparently, this was information the whole shop needed to hear.

When my child has a tantrum in public, there are sometimes two things to deal with: her anger and my fear of looking like a mother who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

That day, Louise was watching the box. I was watching the woman.

A public tantrum, and a parent who feels watched

I had no idea what that customer was thinking. Perhaps she’d simply heard a noise. In my head, though, she’d just joined the judging panel for my parenting exam.

I wanted Louise to calm down, but I also wanted people to see that I’d said no, was sticking to my decision and had things under control. My response was starting to address the entire aisle.

My decision about the pens hadn’t changed. What had changed was my urgency to get a socially acceptable reaction. I could just as easily have bought the box to stop the noise as become more stern to show I wasn’t giving in.

Deciding whether to stay or leave

Leaving the shop doesn’t necessarily mean giving in. You can leave the pens on the shelf and go somewhere else to find a little space. Staying doesn’t prove you’re handling things better either.

I could ask myself what would actually help us: was the aisle too noisy? Were we blocking the way? Did I still have enough patience to wait beside her, or did we need to stop shopping?

There was no need to pretend nobody else existed. Clearing the way was useful. Getting silence so I’d feel less judged was a different request.

I brought the basket closer and suggested moving to the end of the aisle. I crouched beside Louise and lowered my voice. Our supply of felt-tip pens no longer needed a public explanation.

Louise kept crying. We waited a while, then picked up the bread and milk. I’d given up on the rest of the list.

At the checkout, Louise handed me the bread. I handed her the bag.