Malo, my almost-three-year-old son, was running his train under the sofa when I asked him: “Do you want to go to bed?”
He said no and picked up a carriage. His answer was clear, quick and perfectly suited to the question.
Yet I insisted: “But it’s time.” Then I started explaining that we had already read a story and put his pyjamas on. Malo looked at me as though I’d suddenly changed the rules.
I was trying to set a limit without upsetting him. Mostly, my sentence had offered a choice I wasn’t willing to let him make.
When the question has only one right answer
I didn’t really need to know whether Malo would rather keep playing. The train under the sofa was already giving me a fairly detailed answer.
I hoped he would agree to bedtime and, to make the request gentler, I had disguised it as a question. He could say yes or no, but only yes was supposed to count.
The same mismatch can slip into “Do you want to put your shoes on?” when we have to leave, or “Shall we tidy up?” when tidying up has already been decided.
The child answers, then discovers that their answer changes nothing. We can quickly hear their no as a refusal to cooperate, even though they have also just answered what we asked.
That evening, Malo was allowed not to feel like going to bed. I simply wasn’t asking him to decide bedtime.
State the limit, then offer a real choice
I started my sentence again. We were going to the bedroom. I could help him get there without pretending he had chosen what happened next.
That doesn’t mean speaking harshly. Tone, closeness and practical help can make a transition gentler without turning the decision into a vote.
If a choice is still possible, it helps to make it about something we will really accept. For example, Malo could choose to walk beside me or hold my hand. Offering one more circuit with the train would only have made sense if I had been willing to wait.
And if the child doesn’t choose, we can help them move on. A clearer question doesn’t guarantee they will be happy or answer immediately.
Malo said no again. I offered my hand and waited beside the sofa. He parked the train, then stood up protesting.
He still didn't want to go to bed. This time, I hadn't asked him to pretend he did.
