When a child is upset, our first instinct is often to fix things.
We look for a solution. We explain why they should not be sad. We try to help them see the bright side. Or sometimes we simply want the meltdown to stop as quickly as possible.
But in those moments, children do not always need an explanation.
First, they need their feeling to be recognised.
“You’re really disappointed, aren’t you?”
Imagine your child has been looking forward to something and then finds out it is not going to happen.
Our first response might be:
We are not fixing anything. We are not even looking for a solution yet.
We are simply showing the child that we understand what they are experiencing.
Acknowledging a feeling does not mean accepting the behaviour
This may be one of the most important distinctions.
We can acknowledge anger without allowing a child to hit.
We can understand frustration without letting them throw a toy.
We can hear their disappointment without changing a rule we have just set.
“I can see you’re very angry. You really wanted to keep playing. I won’t let you hit me.”
The feeling is accepted. The boundary remains.
One does not cancel out the other.
When we need to hold that boundary, offering what the child can do instead can sometimes prevent a power struggle.
Why start with the feeling?
When a child is flooded by a big emotion, they may not be available to listen to a long explanation or think about a solution.
If we immediately correct, explain or reason, the child may feel that we have missed what they are feeling. And sometimes that makes the reaction even bigger.
A few simple words can be enough:
- “You’re frustrated.”
- “You really wanted that.”
- “It’s hard when things don’t go the way we expected.”
Once a child feels understood, they are often more able to hear what comes next.
What if we stopped trying to make feelings disappear?
We want our children to be happy so much that we sometimes try to remove sadness, anger or frustration immediately.
But an uncomfortable emotion is not necessarily a problem to solve.
A child can be sad without us needing to make them happy. They can be angry without us needing to erase the anger. They can be disappointed without us immediately finding something better.
Our job is not to protect them from every difficult feeling. It is to show them that they can move through those feelings.
Next time, try simply naming it
The next time your child explodes because a drawing tears, an outing is cancelled or playtime has to end, perhaps begin with just one thing: put words to what you see.
“You’re really disappointed.”
“It’s frustrating when something you built falls down.”
“You really wish it had gone differently.”
No speech required. No convincing.
And if the words do not come, we can also use writing, drawing or a small list and come back to the conversation later.
Just a small pause to say:
“I see what you’re feeling.”
And sometimes that is exactly what they need before they can move forward.
