The other day, my three-year-old had a huge meltdown in a shop because I would not buy every truck he had spotted.
I did what I often do in those moments. I named the feeling: “I know, you’re frustrated.” Then I tried to stay with him in that frustration. We imagined what it would be like to have every truck in the shop at home.
When that did not work, I suggested something else. We could play with his trucks when we got home. Draw them. Make some from play dough.
With every new idea, he cried even more.
When continuing to talk about the anger no longer helps
Then his grandmother stepped in. Not to talk about the trucks or explain why he could not have them. She simply opened an activity book and quietly started a game by herself, without asking him to join.
A few seconds later, he stopped crying. He moved closer and began doing the activity with her.
It made me think.
When our child is upset, we want to help so much that we can end up circling around the problem for a long time. We validate, explain, suggest solutions and imagine alternatives, but all those sentences have something in common: they are still about the problem.
Sometimes a child may not need a better way to talk about the truck. They may simply need to get out of the truck.
What his grandmother did looked like distraction, but she did not try to erase his feeling. She did not ask anything of him. She simply opened a door towards something else.
And he walked through when he was ready.
That does not mean we should distract children from every emotion. Some angry feelings need to be felt. But that moment reminded me that supporting a feeling does not always mean continuing to talk about it.
Sometimes, once we have acknowledged it, the most helpful thing we can offer is another direction.
