“Have you packed Gabriel’s bag? And his comfort toy?” “Yes, I know. You don’t have to remind me of everything.”
I’m not talking to Gabriel, my almost four-year-old son. I’m talking to his dad. Gabriel still needs a grown-up to think about what he must take with him. His father can take care of that, but sometimes finds my reminders a bit much.
So another time, I keep quiet. A few minutes after we’ve left, comes the verdict: “We’ve forgotten his comfort toy! You knew it was on the chair. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Apparently I have two options: nag him, or take responsibility for not nagging him. It’s a rather clever system, provided you’re not the person who remembers everything.
The comfort toy isn’t the real problem
In many families, one parent knows which day spare clothes are needed, what’s missing from the bag, where the water bottle lives and which form needs signing. The other parent does their share, sometimes a great deal, but relies on information someone else has already gathered.
That’s tiring. The mental load of parenting isn’t just about doing things. It’s anticipating them, remembering at the right time and sometimes taking the blame for somebody else’s oversight.
This isn’t about dads being naturally less organised or mums being born to remember everything. It’s a habit that creeps in: the person who knows ends up knowing for two.
Sharing responsibility, not just tasks
“You only have to ask me” can sound helpful. But it still leaves one parent spotting what needs doing, keeping track of it and handing out instructions. Packing the bag doesn’t take much off that parent’s mind if they still have to explain what goes in it.
We could agree that whoever is in charge of leaving the house checks the bag and everything needed, without waiting for a running commentary. A little checklist made together and kept by the door can help on rushed mornings. And if things move, both adults need to know where to find them.
The idea isn’t to keep score of mistakes or let someone forget something just to prove a point. It’s to talk about the real issue before the next missing water bottle turns into an argument.
“I'd like us to decide who's responsible for getting us out of the house, so I don't have to keep reminding you or checking afterwards.”
Next time the comfort toy is left on its chair, we might still have to turn back. But with a bit of luck, nobody will ask why Mum didn’t send a notification.
Keep this handy
The situation
Remind your partner about the children's things and you're nagging.
Try this
Notice what is weighing on you and make one realistic change, not one more demand.
- “I need a few minutes. I'll be back.”
Keep in mind: Self-care should not become another task to do perfectly.
