I gave him my phone to calm him down. But did he really calm down?

Oscar’s bridge had collapsed just as I was preparing dinner. My four-and-a-half-year-old son had tried rebuilding it, pushed the blocks away, then cried in anger.

I offered my phone and put on a short video. The crying stopped.

I went back to cooking with that very concrete relief: I could finally finish something. When the video ended, Oscar looked at the blocks and started crying again.

I’d thought the problem had passed. For him, the bridge was still on the floor.

The silence mainly told me about the crying

I couldn’t know exactly what Oscar had felt during the video. Perhaps it had given him a pleasant break. Perhaps he’d stopped thinking about his construction for a moment.

But I’d treated his silence as a complete answer. No more crying: so he felt better, so we could move on.

He’d asked me to help rebuild the bridge before I brought out the phone. In the dinner rush, I’d mainly heard the noise.

The screen had given us a break. It hadn’t repaired the blocks or let Oscar show me what wouldn’t stay up.

Return to him after the break

I put the phone away from the rug and crouched beside the construction. Oscar pushed a block towards me.

He asked me to hold a pillar. I helped for a few minutes, then said I had to return to the kitchen. He was still upset when another piece slipped. We hadn’t found a button to switch off frustration.

At least I was now responding to something specific. I could help, stay nearby for a moment or say when I’d come back.

I won’t always have that availability. Some evenings, a video can be one of our ways to catch a breath. I can choose what we watch and say when it will end, without making that choice a parenting fault.

However, I can keep a question for afterwards: what did he need before the sound stopped? Help, a break, my presence or simply permission to be disappointed?

Oscar called me back to his bridge after dinner.

This time, I left my phone on the kitchen counter and took the pillar he was holding out.