Iris, my three-and-a-half-year-old daughter, pulled an extra chair up to the dinner table. She put her little cushion on it, then asked me for a plate.
Lila does not live with us. In fact, I have never seen her. She is Iris’s imaginary friend, who has been joining us on journeys, in games and now at meals for a few weeks.
I hesitated between two answers. Pretend to understand everything, risking having to serve three portions, or remind her that Lila does not exist. Iris was simply waiting for me to move the chair a little.
When a child has an imaginary friend
At this age, an invented companion can have a name, preferences and even fairly precise demands. That does not necessarily mean a child confuses imagination with reality. In play, they may know perfectly well that the character is invented while still wanting us to respect their story.
What surprised me was the place Lila took in our conversations. She was afraid of the dark, disliked peas and sometimes got upset when Iris took her crayons. Listening, I heard familiar questions about arguments, fears and rules, but with a character who offered another way of talking about them.
I did not need to interpret each of these scenes as a hidden message. Iris was playing. And this game clearly occupied a lot of space in her mind.
Joining the game without abandoning the real table
At dinner, I could welcome Lila without preparing another meal. So I moved the chair closer and let Iris arrange her cushion. For a plate, I suggested a small empty saucer.
Iris accepted, then announced that Lila preferred invisible pasta anyway. That was convenient: we only had to deal with the real kind.
I also realised that we could set a limit for an imaginary character without making fun of the child. If Lila is supposed to have knocked over the glass, Iris can still help me wipe it up. And if the game becomes too overwhelming, I can say that I do not feel like playing for now.
Since then, Lila sometimes gets invited to the table and sometimes disappears for several days. I no longer try to work out how long she will stay.
I simply keep a chair free when Iris asks me to. Not necessarily an extra plate.
