He didn’t want to go to nursery. And yet, we had to leave.

Malo, my son who is nearly three, sat down in the hallway when I brought his shoes. He didn’t want to go to nursery. He wanted to stay here, with his toy garage.

I started reminding him what was waiting there. His friends, painting, the little red bike. I could have written the brochure.

He said no to every activity. The harder I tried to make it appealing, the more it sounded as though we were discussing an optional outing.

But I had to leave for work. Staying home that morning wasn’t an option I was offering him.

Hearing a refusal to go to nursery without opening a vote

I asked what he would have liked to do. He pointed to the garage. He was building a ramp and didn’t want to abandon it.

I didn’t need to prove that nursery would be more interesting. His wish to carry on could be genuine even if it didn’t change our departure.

That didn’t mean every refusal came down to an interrupted game. Pain, a specific fear or a difficulty with another child deserve attention. If leaving regularly becomes very distressing, I can explore what is happening with the staff rather than insist more loudly that everything is fine.

But right then, Malo was talking about his ramp. I could listen without promising him a morning at home.

Bringing departure down to the next step

I stopped selling the whole day. First came shoes, then a coat. Not enthusiasm for the next eight hours.

The choice was only about help I could actually give. If he refused both, I could tell him I was going to help, then do so gently. His protest didn’t have to disappear before I supported him.

Malo asked for the little car to stay at the top of the ramp. We put it there, then I helped him get dressed. He protested again as he took his coat.

I hadn’t produced a child delighted to leave. I had stopped asking him to want what he needed to do.

The car was waiting on the ramp. We could move towards the door.

Keep this handy

The situation

Does your child refuse nursery before you have even left home?

Try this

This morning I’m working, and you’re going to nursery.” “You can put your shoes on with me, or I can help you put them on.”

• “What was the easiest part, and what was the hardest?”

Keep in mind: A difficult goodbye or pickup does not tell the whole story of the day.