“Do you want to go to bed now, or keep playing?”

I had asked Malo, my almost-three-year-old son, thinking it would make him happy. He looked at the toy cars scattered across the rug and answered, “Play!” Not a moment’s hesitation.

It was already time to start our bedtime routine. His pyjamas were waiting on the bed, he was rubbing his eyes and I was hoping to avoid our usual bedtime negotiations. Offering him a choice had seemed like a good idea. I had just overlooked one detail: if I asked the question, he was perfectly entitled to say no.

Ten minutes later, when I asked him to tidy up, Malo looked at me in outrage. “But I said play!” It was hard to argue with that.

I’d offered a choice I couldn’t really accept

I wanted him to have a say, not to let him decide what time he went to bed. But that was exactly what my question had suggested.

At nearly three, Malo can choose his pyjamas, a book or the order of two small parts of his routine. Deciding when to start bedtime, taking his tiredness and the family’s schedule into account, is still my job. Otherwise, I make it seem as though he is responsible for a decision I will eventually take back anyway.

I crouched beside the rug. “You’re right, I did ask. I should have explained better. We’re going to put the cars away and get ready for bed. Would you like the blue pyjamas or the dinosaur ones?”

He chose the dinosaurs. That didn’t stop him complaining when we put the garage away, so I helped him park one last car.

Keeping the boundary, leaving room for his choices

A choice is only genuine when either answer is possible. If I offer two books, I need to be happy reading whichever he picks. If bedtime cannot wait another hour, there’s little point asking whether he wants to go.

That doesn’t mean his wish to carry on playing doesn’t matter. I can listen, let him finish what he is doing or ask him to choose the story. I just stay responsible for when bedtime begins.

That evening, Malo climbed into his dinosaur pyjamas and chose a book about rabbits. Snuggling up beside me, he announced, “I’m turning the pages.”

This time, I could say yes without hesitating.

Keep this handy

The situation

Does asking your child if they want to go to bed always end in a no?

Try this

If I offer two books, I need to be happy reading whichever he picks.

  • “What would help make this part a little easier?”

Keep in mind: Sleep needs vary with age and circumstances; a routine is a tool, not an absolute rule.