Iris, my three-and-a-half-year-old daughter, wanted to listen to her story on my lap. She also wanted to bounce there. With each jump, my chin came a little too close to the top of her head.

I asked her to stop. Then I repeated myself, gripping the book a little more tightly.

I was setting a boundary with my voice while staying in exactly the same position. What happened next depended entirely on what Iris agreed to do.

A boundary can announce my action

I finally put the book down and helped her back onto the rug. I needed to stop being bumped by her head, not win a patience contest.

I could offer her the space beside me to continue. She could be upset by the change without my having to resume the bouncing on my lap.

The difference wasn’t just grammatical. Saying “I’m going to do something” doesn’t make every response fair. “I’m going to throw your toys away” is still a threat if the main aim is to frighten or punish.

What I announced needed to protect what was happening here: my body, the book and the possibility of reading together. Not add a penalty to finally obtain a yes.

Nor did I need to forbid movement everywhere. Iris could want to move; my lap simply wasn’t an available place for that any more.

Choose an action I can actually follow through on

Before speaking, I could ask which action depended on me. In this scene, gently changing her position and offering the neighbouring cushion was possible. Demanding that she immediately want to sit there wasn’t.

“The bouncing hurts me. I'm putting you on the rug. If you want to hear the story, you can sit beside me.”

Iris protested. I didn’t try to prove she ought to like this solution. I stayed available, with the same empty space and the book open.

It wasn’t a formula to make her anger disappear. It was a way to stop repeating a request while enduring the situation I wanted to end.

And I could still use a simple “stop” if an action needed to end immediately. Not every boundary needed a perfectly constructed sentence.

Iris eventually sat on the cushion and put her feet on my legs.

This time, I could still read. And my chin had regained a reasonable distance.

Keep this handy

The situation

You keep saying “stop” without knowing what to do next?

Try this

Acknowledge the feeling, set a clear limit on harmful behaviour and return to problem-solving later.

  • “I can see this is hard. I'm here, but I won't let you hurt anyone.”

Keep in mind: Making room for feelings does not mean allowing unsafe behaviour.