It was his sister's birthday. Grandma had brought him a present too.

Alice, my two-year-old daughter, was celebrating her birthday. Her brother Oscar, four and a half, waited by the door for Grandma. She had brought a present for Alice and another for him.

“That way, nobody’s sad,” she explained.

Oscar didn’t challenge this arrangement. I, his dad, looked at the two parcels and wondered when his sister’s birthday had become a distribution for all the siblings.

Avoiding jealousy can create a new expectation

I understood Grandma’s intention. She wanted to delight both children, not start a parenting debate between the cake and the plates.

But after receiving a parcel whenever someone else blew out candles, Oscar could come to count on that rule. The next birthday without a present for him might then feel like a new injustice.

Alice also had the right to be the person we were celebrating that day. That didn’t mean depriving her brother of attention, cake or cuddles. Every expression of care simply didn’t need to take the form of the same object at the same moment.

I didn’t want to turn his parcel into wrongdoing. He hadn’t asked for anything and the adults had arranged the surprise without consulting him.

Talk as adults before the next cake

That day, I didn’t take the present back from Oscar to teach him about frustration in public. He would mainly have suffered from our disagreement.

I preferred to talk to Grandma later, without the children around. I acknowledged her generosity, then explained what bothered me: we wanted to celebrate one child without having to give the other something to make the party acceptable.

Next time, we could ask her to save the gift for the birthday child. If she wanted to bring something for them both, we could discuss it beforehand rather than improvise in front of two bags.

Oscar could choose the music or help carry the cake if he wanted. Not to earn compensation or become responsible for the party, but to take part differently.

That didn’t guarantee a party without jealousy. We could hear his disappointment without treating it as a fault to fix with a purchase.

When the cake arrived, Oscar asked whether he could blow too. We suggested he help Alice if she wanted him to.

There were still two children around the table. We didn’t have to celebrate two birthdays there.

Keep this handy

The situation

Grandparents also bring a gift for the child whose birthday it isn't?

Try this

You can wish you had a present too, but we're going to open hers.”

• “I'll listen to both of you, one at a time.”

Keep in mind: Sharing and making up take practice; they cannot always happen on command.